A single word of loneliness

Stupitdity, ignorance and other matters.

2011-10-05T03:09:00.000-07:00

I have ignored for very long the fact that I am surrounded with wonderful people . Intelectually advanced people, that I am proud to have around. And I have been forgetting to be grateful by that.

But soon it hits me, in those moments I suddenly have to wake up from my cloud of marvelous company and face the real world, and stuggle to understand this reality that is much harder. I takes quite a while to deal with it. It's like I'm suddenly slapped. People are not actually all like that. Not nearly. Most people seem to veen refuse to think at all, just as if they all got drunken from something else.

And it's not my ilusion, it's just that I'm so lucky that I get to forget that most of the people in the world suck really bad.

Flirting around

2011-09-17T16:47:00.000-07:00

I see how it is. You seem to sense some atraction between us. How shallow. How cocky of you.

If I didn't know any better I would just push you away. But that wouldn't really work, would it?

No. I will just let you be around, perhaps sit next to me, come really close and show you how very sad I am, tire you out and let you walk away by your own feet.

Then you will probably realise how cocky of you it was to think I would feel anything.

2011-09-14T14:26:00.001-07:00

All that noise

2011-09-14T14:19:00.000-07:00

The sad piano from the next room...

The ceaseless barking of my dog, chained outside...

The sound of my own emptiness.

It's going to be a long night.

Worries #2

2011-09-04T21:15:00.000-07:00

As I reminisced about the past I came across some very old and damaged memories. One of which I have very present in my mind is the day my dad told me he was to go to Africa to work.

It was a sunny afternoon and we were returning from our grandmothers house, in the middle of nowhere. I don't quite remember how my parents told me or what was their tone. I remember the look they had, expecting us to cry or make a sad face. But we didn't. It was as if I had decided not to cry, and so I didn't. I was just very patient, and waited quietly.

When my father returned, 2 years after that, I couldn't quite believe my eyes.

And then things just got worse. He kept coming and going to a point where the distant and a whole bunch of circumstances broke both my parents. And they just couldn't stand the sight of each other. It was agonizing. And when my father finally agreed to sign the divorce papers, their relationship seemed to reach the point of tolerance. I felt as if I could rest at last, since I would stop feeling the tension around them, and most worries were fading.

And then life decided to slap me in the face. My father died. And it seemed like life smiled sarcastically at me, as if saying "There! Now you don't have to worry at all."

I found out, looking back at that time, sitting in the car, that it was not so much that I decided not to cry. It was more like I decided not to grief.

Loneliness keeps going

2011-09-04T21:11:00.000-07:00

For some reason, every now and then I feel lonely. And then I realized this feeling is most likely never to fade.

Paradise

2011-08-11T08:27:00.000-07:00

In i can read

Quotations #1

2011-08-10T09:51:00.000-07:00

"I like it when it rains hard. It sounds like white noise everywhere, which is like silence but not empty."

In Buena Vista

Longing

2011-08-05T12:51:00.000-07:00

She turned off the lights and put on her best dress. She opened the window so the wind could come to her, and she let down her hair, and with it she danced in endless twirls around the room. If she closed her eyes and believed really hard, she could almost pretend he was there.

Even though they had tried

2011-07-04T12:58:00.000-07:00

He aproached her slowly and carefully and tried to caress her as gently as he could, as though otherwise he might have broken her in some way. And even though she was the one making him linger, without ever promising to love him back, even though she wouldn't take a step away from him, but she couldn't ever do more then try, even though she silently desired for him to stay (and that alone held him by her aside) and she couldn't deny she would leave, in that second while she politely refused him without any words, so soflty and gently, as much as he could, he hated her profoundly, for making him feel like it was his fault, and not hers.

Memories

2011-07-04T12:55:00.000-07:00

Memories... Even though I held on to them so much, even though I clinged to them so thightly, why do they already feel like dreams I once had, long ago.

Love

2011-06-25T15:31:00.000-07:00

I remember one of my teachers from 9th grade once asked everyone in class "Is there anyone here who is not in love." Quite a few arms were raised, including mine and some of those who were in an actual relationship. On the other hand, I believe that some who didn't raise their arms were lying, which is kind of ironic. Then, that teacher shared with us the reason he had asked such question was because he didn't remember not bein in love.

I used to believe in that, since my healing from previous "loves" was due to new ones, but at the time I raised my hand, I actually meant it.

The truth is that I can become very needy and, when I felt like my life lacked that sweet emotion I kept throwing and deceiving myself with this crushes I really believed to be love.

It so happens that my current and most dreadful crush is leaving, and that left me quie upset. But it feels ridiculous now that I know I was only looking at him and chasing him with my eyes so that my heart could race a little.

And it did. My heart raced for him and it still does when I think of him. It aches a little when I think of never seeing him again. And I don't regret it at all that I feel this way. But it is still nothing like love, and as expected, I'm not cut out for it.

Worries 1#

2011-06-24T16:32:00.000-07:00

I am starting over. I realised, after one of my essays was called pedantic, that I have been trying so hard to sound eloquent it is beyond annoying. And it really troubled me, because it was true.

I have been keeping this lies about my writing and I keep telling myself that I don't even need to think about what I write, that it comes naturally, and that I don't write about myself, once that sounds so egocentric. But those were obvious, plain lies. I do nothing but writing about myself. In fact, I don't know how to write about anything else.

When I shared with my mother the fact that I was troubled after that statement my mother told me "You're not pedantic, so you can't write pedantic things." , wich was also a plain lie.

At that time I blamed the influences of Oscar Wilde on my complicated and almost meaningless writing. And then I kept comparing myself to my sister, which was what everyone else did, who, on the contrary, writes so simply and so beautifully. And then I realised that it was just because I am actually the one who is extremely simple, therefore my need to compensate with complicated writing, and she, on the other hand, has a very complicated mind, so she puts things simple.

So, with a wounded pride, I am rediscovering myself and facing the fact that, although I fear so much that my words will seem the same as everyone else's, it is something unavoidable.